The Reel Scoop

I had no intentions of ever watching this film, as the original mind-numbing trilogy was enough for me, Bones (best friend) made me watch The Rise of The Digital Apes Fight Draco Malfoy and The Golden Gate Bridge for World Domination, as he has an affinity for bad movies and has seen a large number of them.  He also demanded that when I wrote this up I take responsibility for watching it.  I will not.  But I guess it’s like getting me back for making him watch Blitz a few weeks ago.

In any case, I made the same complaints I’d been making since seeing the initial trailers: The “rise” is so unbelievable, that even if you spot it points for being full-blown Science Fiction, it’s still too over-the-top.  If anything, there would be a skirmish of the apes, and then there would be no more apes, and all of the humans would talk about the day the apes turned into dicks, and they had to kill them all.

Not only that, but when the shit went down, there were an insane amount of apes in the greater San Francisco area.  I guess since they’re all digital anyway, it doesn’t matter how many they make.  But let us back up to the first set of inconsistencies and nonsenses.

The plot is only as consistent as is needed to string the action sequences together.  Basically it goes like this:  An ape goes crazy in a lab—go figure, because they’re being given super Alzheimer’s medication that makes them dangerously smart, a typical good idea.  But after the incident, operation self-aware apes gets shut down but—oh my god—crazy ape had a baby!  Somebody’s gotta save it with flagrant disregard for the fact that it will, within five years, turn into a full-sized male ape with the strength of ten men—semantics surely.

Draco sneers

Caesar (formally baby ape) becomes mega smart, and like any generic Frankenstein’s monster derivative, becomes resentful.  Like really resentful.  And then Draco Malfoy shows up.  And just on a side note, if that guy doesn’t start playing good guys soon, he’s gonna get typecast like a sonuvabitch.  One more dick role and he’s destine to be the asshole-peinween in movies forever there after.

So yeah, ape uprising.  The majority of the movie is more like a prison movie than anything else.  It’s like watching an Animal Farmish version of Midnight Express, which is at least unusual.  Especially after Caesar takes animal jail over, steals a bunch of Fizzy Lifting Drink the next generation of Alzheimer’s medication that causes super smartness, and juices up all the other ape convicts. Aaaand through a series of events that are so ridiculously thin, they eventually free all of the apes from the zoo and use them to help take over the Golden Gate Bridge.  This somehow signifing global domination.

Blah-blah-blah, it’s really stupid, but here’s the thing, it was also the slightest bit compelling.

As much as I don’t want to admit that, just give it the red X brand and be done with it, is because it held my attention, and not just for all the jokes we were making throughout.  Watching Caesar go through the all too typical motions of becoming self-aware, was still oddly interesting.  The CGI was part of the problem with the film’s unbelievability, I would have liked to at least see a few Animatronics thrown in, a little Creature Shop action, but the complete control over the animated cast made the story as humanistic as it was intended to be.

And for it’s ridiculousness and all the times I had to remind myself not to ask questions, I will say this for it, during the battle scenes on the bridge, the only thing that could possibly be weighing in their favor is that humans are fucking terrified.  That I could understand a little.  Still, after word got out that something needed hunted, all the hillbillies would assemble and save everyone.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, in an apocalyptic situation find the hillbillies, they know how to survive.  Especially if you’re single, find yourself a hillbilly husband and you’ll remain safe and fed.  Where was I?  Ah yes, storylines:

The secondary storyline, which was actually stronger than the main storyline, where the world is virally infected with some kind of Monkey Fever, is the only other point in the whole movie weighing in its favor.

Still, since it has a pretty solid suck ratio of about 80-20, so I don’t really feel right recommending it.  Casual viewers may enjoy it, but movie people are going to destroy it like we did, so instead, watch it knowing it’s gonna be bad and give it your worst.  It’s much more fun that way.  It’s something of a crowd movie, the more smartasses in the room the better.

It’s probably best for kids and young teens, there’s violence, but more violent intent, and no gore, it all cuts away before anything serious is shown.  There’s also no swearing, and if nothing else, you can give your children a complex about apes the rest of their lives, that’s always fun.  For all of its stupidness and glory, I award it the single gold star of adequacy.

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